Crazy changes, new adventures, whats yet to come?!

So many changes have happened since I last updated this blog. First we're no longer in sunny Florida. The Navy once again decided that we needed to call a new place our home so in May of 2015 we moved to Virginia. Man what a change that has been. That first year here was somewhat of a whirlwind. The princess started a new school, one that turned out to be less the subpar and led to our newest adventures, which I'll get to shortly. 

After getting settled here in VA and finding our footing, we had the quite a surprise happen. We got pregnant! This was a scary time for us, especially me since we lost our last baby. I was fearful of what was to come, and if it would even come to fruition. It was a rough pregnancy to say the least. I had multiple kidney issues that led to two stints in the hospital and a nephrostomy tube being placed for the last 12 weeks of my pregnancy. In the end it was all worth it, when a year after our adventure started here in VA we brought a little man into the world. Our family was finally complete. 

He's been a part of our crazy family for 2 months already and it seems like just yesterday that he was born. He's turned our world upside and inside out but we wouldn't have it any other way. We finally have our little princes to go along with our princess. 

Speaking of princess! She's about to embark on a new journey. One we will be experiencing together. Due to the troubles she had with many of the kids at her new school here, and the school refusing to protect her from bullies and threats, we have decided to partake in homeschool this year. Instead of me having to create lesson plans and figuring out what to teach her we enrolled in the K12 program with Virginia Virtual Academy. They are sending us all of our supplies and lesson plans and she actually communicates with a teacher weekly through an online classroom. I will still be facilitating her hands on work at home but more of a guide then anything. It's a journey we will be starting in just a few short weeks (possibly as early as next week) and we are extremely excited.

This year brings many new adventures, ones I'll hopefully be able to keep up with a little better on here. While still pursuing my secondary masters, and being a supportive wife to my husband, I now will be teacher to my daughter and mommy to a newborn! All in a day's work! We can't wait to see what the coming year brings and see how we weather through it all! Stay tuned!

 The princess loves her prince

 Thick as thieves

Depression

Depression is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you and before you know it, it consumes you. Everyday life becomes harder. It's hard to sleep, or and even harder to get up. The desire to eat leaves you. You lose the hope that things will change and question how you even got here in the first place. You realize that you've been so strong for so long and you just have nothing left. You realize that the only reason you get up in the morning is for your daughter and you realize that she's the only reason you keep going, keep pushing. Life seems to constantly throw you a curveball, bills continue to pile up and you have no idea how you're gonna pay them. You are constantly fighting with your significant other and feel less of a person after it's all said and done. You realize you no longer know your own self worth, much less that your worth anything. Depression is a funny thing because as it festers inside of you, as you struggle to keep it at bay, you realize it is only entwining it's tendrils more and more.

Lately I have felt that depression come back. I've often struggled with questioning my purpose. Was I really meant to live my life suffering or struggling? The constant fighting, second guessing, underappreciation, loneliness.. is that really how I was meant to live my life? I'm so emotionally and mentally drained I no longer known where my place in this world should be. I look at my daughter and she keeps my going. I get up each morning for her but I realize I'm just moving through the motions of the day. My will, my drive, it's long left me. My marriage is falling apart. We never talk anymore without it leading to an argument. While I continue to try to do whatever I can to make him happy or feel loved I am continuously feel worthless and without merit. I have no desire to keep going. My will to fight for this marriage has left. Do I merely remain so my daughter doesn't go through the pain of living without her father like I did? Is the fighting and arguing really better then being alone? Do I stay because I feel I can't take care of her on my own? No one wants to hire someone who hasn't worked in 8 years. I spent the better part of the past 8 years dedicated to this marriage, to my daughter, and now I'm left with nothing. Nothing but heartache and depression. No job wants me, but how can I blame them when I don't even want myself. I look in the mirror and I see the shell of who I used to be. The joy, the part of me that attracted other people, is gone. I look in the mirror and I want to run the other way. I want to hide from what is staring back at me because to believe that this person is me is scary and overwhelming.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know what's next for me, for this marriage. The only thing I do know is that I'll continue to get up every morning for my daughter, I'll continue to put a smile on my face that never reaches my eyes for her sake, and I hope that she will not see through the facade that I will put up to protect her from the pain and heartache that I am experiencing. I just hope that one day I am able to find myself again and that these feelings and thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness will no longer rear their ugly heads every time I look in the mirror.

The Funny Thing About Friendships....

The funny thing about friendships is you never know what kind you'll form. People often thing there just two types of friendships, those that are you best friends and those that are aquaintances. I do not believe in that. I think that you have those friends that make an everlasting impact on you, good or bad. You find those people that you would do everything for. These friends are the ones that become family and that you couldn't image living without them in your life. There are the friends that you love to hang around and have great chemistry with but the overall connection is not as strong as others. Then you have those friends that call on you when they need something and once in awhile because they actually want to spend time with you. Finally you have the friends who aren't really friends. The once that are quick to drop you when something better comes along or who aren't willing to make those same commitments and efforts. In my time as a Navy wife I have found 2 friends that I can call my best friends. These two ladies have been there for me through everything and one is even the Godmother to my daughter. They love my daughter like their own as I love their kids as if they were my own. These two ladies love me for me and ask nothing more. I'd give my last dime for them, the shirt of my back. Without their friendships I don't know where I would be at times. They understand the rigors of being away from family and alone a lot of the times while our husbands are away. They are my Navy Wife Sisters and in all sense and purpose my sisters. No matter where in the world we are we will always be in each other's life. Gratefully at the moment one is only 2 1/2 hours away while the other is across the country. Hopefully one day we will all be within a days ride from one another and we will have the chance to be close again. 

My Navy Wife Sister/Bestie here in on the East Coast --- She gets me like almost no other and never judges me. She's the one I can talk to about anything and loves me for me and never asks for anything in return! Don't know what I would do without her. Love her to pieces!

My Navy Wife/Bestie out on the West Coast (Missing here fiercely) -- One of the most caring and giving people I have ever met and constantly makes me strive to be a better person. She's the better half of our friendship, giving without asking and she loves my daughter like she was her own. Love her!!

The Year 2014 ----- A look back at the last 5 months!

2014 started out rough. Between family fueds occuring and relationships breaking there have been many ups and downs. In February my husband and I found out we were expecting another bundle of joy (we already have a 6 year old gorgeous little girl together) and couldn't have been more excited. Unfortunately that excitment was cut short when we went to have our first ultrasound the first week of March. The ultrasound confirmed that we lost the baby at 8 weeks (the baby was supposed to be measuring almost 12 weeks). The doctor called it a missed miscarriage and while still struggling to deal with the loss I had to go through the miscarriage. This was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Along with that happening we received more bad news from family and it just seemd that 2014 was getting worse and worse. In April my husband let me know that he may have to get out of the Navy in October (he still had 2 years on his current enlistment) due to an error that was made 2 years prior. This is not something we had planned and added to everything that just seemed be hurling down on us. More bad news followed with family members going through rough times losing loved ones. At almost half way through the year I was losing hope that 2014 would ever turn around. Well, last week my husband came back with great news, ensuring that he still had at least another year in the Navy (possibly more) depending on specific results. This helped put our mind at ease and finally there seems to be a hint that the future is not as bleak as it has seemed. Nothing is set in stone yet but slowly things seem to be changing and turning around for the better. To be honest, if they got any worse we wouldn't be here anymore. 

A Little About Me

My name is Jessica and I'm 28 (almost 29). I've been married for almost 7 years to the most amazing man and we have a beautiful almost 7 year old little girl. I also have two step daughters ages 9 and 12. My husband has been in the Navy for almost 13 years and since we've been together we've travelled to 3 different duty stations in 3 different parts of the country (Central, Western, and Eastern). Currently we are residing in Florida. I am a 2 time cancer survivor (first time when I was 15, second time 1 year after our daughter was born). I am just about finished with my Master's in Psycholoyg after being in school for the past 6 1/2 years. An accomplishment I sometimes doubted I would achieve. Being a Navy wife and a mother isn't always easy and at times I want to throw in the gauntlet but then I look at all my husband gives up and the smiling face of my daughter and I know I am right were I am supposed to be. I'm not sure what I hope to gain from creating a blog but when I was younger writing often helped me to let out emotions and feelings that I had and gave me the ability to let go of feelings that often dragged me down. Another part of me hopes to provide insight and advice to other young military wives entering a sometimes not so easy and rather rigorous lifestyle. 

My world!