Depression is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you and before you know it, it consumes you. Everyday life becomes harder. It's hard to sleep, or and even harder to get up. The desire to eat leaves you. You lose the hope that things will change and question how you even got here in the first place. You realize that you've been so strong for so long and you just have nothing left. You realize that the only reason you get up in the morning is for your daughter and you realize that she's the only reason you keep going, keep pushing. Life seems to constantly throw you a curveball, bills continue to pile up and you have no idea how you're gonna pay them. You are constantly fighting with your significant other and feel less of a person after it's all said and done. You realize you no longer know your own self worth, much less that your worth anything. Depression is a funny thing because as it festers inside of you, as you struggle to keep it at bay, you realize it is only entwining it's tendrils more and more.
Lately I have felt that depression come back. I've often struggled with questioning my purpose. Was I really meant to live my life suffering or struggling? The constant fighting, second guessing, underappreciation, loneliness.. is that really how I was meant to live my life? I'm so emotionally and mentally drained I no longer known where my place in this world should be. I look at my daughter and she keeps my going. I get up each morning for her but I realize I'm just moving through the motions of the day. My will, my drive, it's long left me. My marriage is falling apart. We never talk anymore without it leading to an argument. While I continue to try to do whatever I can to make him happy or feel loved I am continuously feel worthless and without merit. I have no desire to keep going. My will to fight for this marriage has left. Do I merely remain so my daughter doesn't go through the pain of living without her father like I did? Is the fighting and arguing really better then being alone? Do I stay because I feel I can't take care of her on my own? No one wants to hire someone who hasn't worked in 8 years. I spent the better part of the past 8 years dedicated to this marriage, to my daughter, and now I'm left with nothing. Nothing but heartache and depression. No job wants me, but how can I blame them when I don't even want myself. I look in the mirror and I see the shell of who I used to be. The joy, the part of me that attracted other people, is gone. I look in the mirror and I want to run the other way. I want to hide from what is staring back at me because to believe that this person is me is scary and overwhelming.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know what's next for me, for this marriage. The only thing I do know is that I'll continue to get up every morning for my daughter, I'll continue to put a smile on my face that never reaches my eyes for her sake, and I hope that she will not see through the facade that I will put up to protect her from the pain and heartache that I am experiencing. I just hope that one day I am able to find myself again and that these feelings and thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness will no longer rear their ugly heads every time I look in the mirror.
